the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
