The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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