after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
