You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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