Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
