Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
