Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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