It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
