Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
