It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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