I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
