ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
