I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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