Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
