Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
