First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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