i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
