I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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