Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
