i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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