"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
