You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
