yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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