omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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