I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
