why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
