I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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