If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
