so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
