At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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