if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
