Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
