Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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