Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This house was built for laser tag.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
