I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
time to smoke my breakfast
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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