Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
