The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
