my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
