More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
