I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
