Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
