His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
