if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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