i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
