There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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