he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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