I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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