Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
