The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
