Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
