i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
