smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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