she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
