I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
