Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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