I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
