I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
